


Memos From Stark Industries

by HeavensArcher



Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 20:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2039607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavensArcher/pseuds/HeavensArcher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the hilarious "Memos From Q Branch".</p><p>In which Pepper's interns control Tony's minions, the software sector of research and development have a shrine and security have long since given up on order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. SI and the Fireworks

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Memos from Q-Branch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/909644) by [AviaCarter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AviaCarter/pseuds/AviaCarter). 



> I'm updating/posting from my phone, so I ask you to be kind and patient when you find grammar and/or spelling mistakes because auto correct is a bitch. 
> 
> Recently read the entirety of memos from q branch in about 30min and it legit had me in tears. I've always had ideas about how my Headcanon stark industries would run, so this seemed like as good an idea as any to have some fun with it. 
> 
> Updates spadoric because technology hates me, but I hope you enjoy.

FAO: Tony Stark

From: Virginia Potts

Subject: Tony, I swear to the gods...

 

If I have to deal with a PR disaster of yours again because you terrified another  PR team into an early retirement (and possibly lifelong therapy) I will never sleep with you again.

I am on my last nerve,

Pepper.

xxx

FAO: Virginia Potts; Minions

From: Tony Stark

Subject: Better cancel the experimental fireworks, guys. Mother said no.

Pepper, I was merely demonstrating how our roots in weaponry could be used for the Greater Good. It was gonna to use up the last of our gun powder supplies and everything.

...Come on, Pep, pleeeeasseeeeeeee

I built myself friends so I never have to deal with the incompetance of humanity,

Tony Stark 

xxx

FAO: Virginia Potts; Tony Stark

From: Minions

Subject: aww, come on mum pleaseeee

We just managed to get the red and gold to not only hold a pattern, but to switch between two preprogramed positions. 

It was gonna be so cool...

The beauty in being a minion is the fact you always have someone to point the finger at when it goes wrong, 

The Minions.

xxx

FAO: Minions

From: Tony Stark

Subject: Fly, my prettiest

Fire at will, my little minions. I'll cover for you.

xxx

FAO: Tony Stark; Minions

CC: Pepper Potts; Janitorial Department

From: Public Relations Department 

Subject: Everything's on fire!!!

What did you do!?!?

PR

xxx

FAO: Tony Stark; Minions

From: Pepper Potts

Subject: it's like working with puppy being told not to eat my shoes

Tony if you think I'm going to have time to join you on vacation while I'm trying to hire another PR team, you have another thing coming.

and you, You are the highest paid research bad development department in the world, please act older than your number of doctorates. No extra funding next quarter.

FIX. IT.

All I need to be happy is a killer pair of shoes and no reason to use them to actually kill, you make this difficult. 

Pepper

 


	2. SI and the Coffee Monster

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees; SHIELD; Avengers Initiative

From: Tony Stark

Subject: Who dares

Who the FUCK thought removing the coffee machines from my Tower was a good idea??

You better fucking run,

Tony Stark

XXX

FAO: Tony Stark

From: Steve Rogers

Subject: Tony why have you CC'd everybody?

It's just coffee.

Steve Rogers

XXX

FAO: Capsicle

From: Tony Stark

Subject: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN. YOU WEREN'T THERE

Stars and Stripes,

Did you know that the entire month of June is missing from SI records circa 2004?

This is because of the last time someone tried to cut my employees from coffee.

It was only the California branch that time, before we condensed almost everything into Stark Tower.

It was only 13% of the amount of people this is has currently affected.

We are still paying for therapy for those affected by what is known collectively in this company as "The-Month-That-Must-Not-Be-Named".

Don't talk to me about "just coffee", Rogers, you aren't dealing with the fucking fallout.

XXX

FAO: Tony Stark

From: SHIELD Medical

Subject: Think of your health

The last round of blood testing after the latest mind-altering airborne particle found that around 92% of SI employees had more caffeine in their blood then actual blood (the remaining 8% were combating sleepiness by way of constant sugar rush). For your health and safety, and the safety of all those that buy your products, we thought it prudent that we remove the constant access to caffeinated beverages until you and your staff learn the meaning of pacing yourselves.

Don't make our jobs harder than they already are,

SHIELD Medical

XXX

FAO: Pepper Potts

From: Tony Stark

Subject: FWD: Think of your health

Found them.

Be merciful, goddess, for I have done your bidding.

Your loyal servant,

Tony Stark

XXX

FAO: SHIELD Medical

CC: Nick Fury

From: Tony Stark

Subject: I am in no way responsible for what they've unleashed on themselves

Dear idiots,

I'm not thinking of my health, rather yours. 

While I and a good deal many of my lab staff, minions and the heads of various departments know where the good stuff is hidden, Pepper is usually far too busy to bother. Which is why all the coffee pots are in place. So she can refuel while fielding 20 calls, signing paperwork, reading various contracts and telling me off. 

You have released me, this beast is yours now,

Tony Stark

P.S: Just call it Sex Pollen, it was possibly one of the best superhero mishaps I've ever had. 

XXX

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees

From: The Interns

Subject: This is not a drill

All employees this is a call to retreat as quickly as possible to your designated safety zones and assigned tasks.

This is not a drill. We repeat, this is not a drill.

We have tried coffee from her favourite cafes. We tried her favourite baked goods from that Italian place around the corner.

Nothing has worked.

Save yourselves,

The Interns

XXX

FAO: Tony Stark

From: Nick Fury

Subject: What the fuck?

What the fuck has your freakshow of a fucking company done this time, Stark? Why the fuck are all my fully combat trained medical officers cowering on the floor like fucking children whimpering about the "Goddess of Vengence with her hair of flame".

Nick Fury

Director of SHIELD

XXX

FAO: Nick Fury

From: Tony Stark

Subject: I gave you like a 5min warning you can't blame me for this

They should have known better.

Uncaffeniated Pepper is a Pepper I would never draw the ire of.

I would rather face down Doctor Doom, Loki, the Enchantress and Snails with Acid Slime WITHOUT the suit then Pepper without a coffee.

Tony Stark

XXX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. SI and the PR interviews

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees

From: Human Resources

Subject: Fresh Sacrifices

As we're sure you all know, this week marks the beginning of the hunt for fresh blood for the order. 

While we know that acting out is almost impossible to resist, we ask you try to hold that in at least marginally until we can get them locked into some form of contract.

It means we can force them to do the job for a period of at least 2 weeks as we put out the new hiring notices.

Regards from your benevolent overlords,

HR

 

XXX

 

FAO: Tony Stark

From: The Minions

Subject: Flashy flashy boom boom no go?

Just asking because of HR's email.

We can put it off a few days, we can probably store it somewhat safely as long as no one comes near it.

It can't be legal to have this much fun, that's why we never ask Legal for permission,

Your humble servants.

 

XXX

 

FAO: The Minions

From: Tony Stark

Subject: What's the worst that could happen?

If that's the thing I thought was mostly a dream from the middle of an inventing blackout, why the hell would you listen to me?

On the other hand, I respect the fact you did it anyway despite the fact I probably looked insane.

That shows dedication. 

No, but seriously

a) How did you manage to make it? and

b) please set it to be tested as originally planned I don't want you do risk moving anything.

You know who I am

 

XXX

 

FAO: Tony Stark

From: The Minions

Subject: You always look insane when you come talk to us, we take it in stride

a) you probably don't wanna know

b) probably the best choice 

To infinity and beyond,

The Minions

 

XXX

 

FAO: The Interns

From: The Minions

Subject: Prior Warning

Dearest most beautiful, wonderfully talented and fearsome underlings in the building,

We will be testing what we affectionally call the "flashy flashy boom boom" today at around 1300hrs. 

This is because it is a drastically unstable experiment and we may possibly blow everything up waiting any longer.

It's HR's fault they didn't warn us sooner.

Anyway, we figured we'd give you prior warning to grab some thing to calm the Goddess. 

Yours in underling solidarity,

The Minions

P.S: Michael, Minion 14 would like to tell you that if he doesn't make it, he loved you.

P.P.S Gabriella, Minion 6 would like you to know she thinks you're bammin' slammin' bootylicious and she also think you would gladly crush a man beneath a heel and that that is really attractive so if the world still exists at 1330, you should both totally head to that new italian place round the corner

P.P.P.S Not one to be left out, Minion 11 would like to inform Jamie they are probably going to be home late, but they will miss you until then.

 

XXX

 

FAO: The Minions

From: The Interns

Subject: Appreciated, and returned.

Small, yellow, animated movie characters,

Thank you for the warning, we have stocked what we can to appease the Lady but know we follow at the leisure of her Goddess's command and cannot save you.

Just letting you know she leaves around 1230 for a lunch meeting, so you might just miss her. Any chance you can let it off a bit early?

Let us know if we need to put on protective gear,

The Interns

P.S Michael would like to inform Minion 14 he's being over dramatic and if he doesn't show up for his turn to cook dinner there will be serious problems.

P.P.S Gabriella would like to inform Minion 6 that that was kind of cute and is deserving of at least one date. You asked, you pay.

P.P.P.S Jamie would like to inform Minion 11 that they miss them too, and will count the hours. The rest of the Interns think you're both adorable.

 

XXX

 

FAO: Tony Stark

From: Pepper Potts

Subject: Tony.

Why am I hearing about this over  _social media???_

Run.

Pepper Potts

 

XXX

 

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees

From: Human Resources

Subject: All clear

It's ok guys, we got about 3 to sign a contract before the whole building shook and filled with glitter!

So this is safely the new PR team's problem!

Welcome to the SI family Kathy, Peter and Louise!

Remember the 2 week notice clause,

HR

 

XXX

 

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees

From: Public Relations

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

No seriously.

PR (we think?)

 

XXX

 

FAO: Public Relations

From: Legal

The liquor is in behind the fire extinguisher on the 25th floor.

The password is IMINHELL, money to go towards the sanity saving liquid is collected by Jolene at 1600 every second Friday.

Only to be used on all nighters filled with crying. Any harm you cause yourself you do have to fight through the next day. 

Be strong,

Legal

 

XXX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. SI and the Cleaners

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees

From: Janitorial Department

Subject: Building Clear by 1730

Children,

Since the Goddess informed us that our 'salt and burn' solution to the glitter was not an actual solution, we are going to option two.

Thus please ensure you have vacated the premises by 1730 or be subject to whatever hell descends on this building afterwards.

You have been warned,

Cleaners

 

XXX

 

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees

From: Virginia Potts

Subject: Tonight's Cleaning

In the interest of making the janitorial department's job easier this evening and ensuring they come across nobody drinking and crying as they normally do, I am enacting several temporary protocols:

  1. Any project deadlines originally due tomorrow have all been extended a day. All department heads were informed at the meeting earlier today.
  2. There will be warnings, issued by JARVIS, at 1 hour, half an hour and 15min intervals before everybody needs to have vacated the building. This way you have no excuses.
  3. I have scrambled all the passcodes on all your liquor stashes (of course I know where they are). These will be as normal tomorrow night. 



Thank you for your cooperation in cleaning another ones of the Minions' messes,

Pepper

 

XXX

 

FAO: Virginia Potts

From: The Minions

Subject: Really?

We only do what the boss tells us too! Why don't you just call them his messes?

We mean it with all the love in the world,

The Minions

 

XXX

 

FAO: The Minions

From: Virginia Potts

Subject: If Tony told you to jump of a bridge, would you do that too?

Because if I did that  _everything_ would be his fault and I can't do that.

It's too much for my brain to handle, I need to blame other people some of the time or I'll go mad.

Don't argue with my denial skills,

Pepper

 

XXX

 

FAO: Virginia Potts

From: Janitorial Department

Subject: Last night's clean

While some of the lingering plague sparkles may remain, we think we got most of them.

Allowing us use of JARVIS to loudly play music from the 80s/90s, loud catchy pop songs and sea chanties was incredibly helpful at improving performance.

Mr Stark tried to stay in the lower levels last night and hold some kind of party. We wrapped both him and his co-conspirators in duct tape and put mop tops on their heads to teach them a lesson. We left them in the boiler room, we were worried they'd get cold.

Lots of Love,

Cleaners

 

XXX

 

FAO: Avengers Initiative

From: Clint Barton

Subject: We never speak of this again.

Ever.

 

XXX

 

FAO: Avengers Initiative

From: Natasha Romanova

Subject: It's fine, I got pictures

I thought you boys looked cute.

All wrapped up like presents.

I thought about inviting some of the people from Legal so that they could laugh at  _your_ misfortune for once but they had cleared out of the building as asked.

I think they did their night's work in a bar somewhere.

Don't worry about the pictures, you'll never find them,

Black Widow


	5. SI and the PR Nightmare

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees  
From: Human Relations  
Subject: Public Relations

By a process of weeding out the weak, we'd like a congratulate Louise on her fast promotion to Head of PR!   
Louise currently holds the longest streak of someone working in our PR department with a record-breaking 3 weeks!   
Well done, Louise!  
On that note, a reminder that PR interviews are on again this week to replace those that left at the 2 week window!  
Please be on your best behaviour!

Regards,  
HR

XXX

FAO: The Interns  
From: The Minions  
Subject: HR

It's not just us, right?   
You find them creepy too?  
I mean, aside from their constant exclaimation point usage have you been to their department lately?  
The smiles, guys.  
The smiles.

They're so freaking creepy,  
The Minions

XXX

FAO: Public Relations; Virginia Potts; Legal  
From: The Avengers Initiative  
Subject: Maybe look at the news if you haven't already?

We are so sorry.   
On the positive side, we stopped a plague of giant, sentient dust balls?

...Sorry again,   
The Avengers

P.S Tony is bringing an entire italian café's stock and like a thousand pints of Ben & Jerry's.  
P.P.S Again we are so sorry

XXX

FAO: Legal; Human Relations; Virginia Potts; The Interns  
From: Public Relations  
Subject: So remember that favour...

Each of these departments recently messaged me congratulations and offers of 'whatever I need'.  
Get down here.  
Now.

Louise.  
(The only person currently in this BLOODY DEPARTMENT SO GET DOWN HERE AND HELP ME COORDINATE THIS SHIT)  
(Legal: You need to be here anyway, darls. May as well help each other out, it'll be easier to cry in person rather than by memo)

XXX

FAO: Avengers Initiative; All Stark Industries Employees  
From: Tony Stark  
Subject: Trust me

Stay the fuck away from the PR department.  
I mean it.  
Like I don't know what they're doing in there but it involves at least one pentagram with a series of smartphones in it's centre and lots of shot glasses.  
There's also a lot of icecream and coffee so just...  
Trust me.  
Stay away. 

XXX

FAO: All Stark Industries Employees; Avengers Initiative  
From: Public Relations  
Subject: I accept grovelling in chocolate, alcohol, coffee, and undefined favours to be cashed in at currently unknown times.

And if you want to get in with the first 3, do it quick. Because after a certain point I just tell you you owe me a favour.  
There is no limits of time or action.  
You all bloody owe me.  
And I want a raise.

Louise.

XXX

FAO: The Minions  
From: The Interns  
Subject: Louise

We take your HR and raise you one head of PR, holy fucking shit.


	6. SI and the EOFY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes that magical, mystical time straight from the VERY DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF

XXX

FAO: Tony Stark  
From: Accounting  
Subject: EOFY Approaching

Mr. Stark, 

This is to let you know that despite many polite emails, memos and messages left to your creepy but powerful all knowing voice entity in the sky, you still haven't shown up to your financial meeting.

Please let it be noted that this is your final warning. We will do something drastic.

Don't make us,

Accounting

XXX

FAO: Accounting  
From: Tony Stark  
Subject: What are you gonna do? Give me a papercut?

Money demons, 

I am far too busy doing anything else to go down there.

Yours insincerely,

Tony Stark

XXX

FAO: Tony Stark  
From: Accounting  
Subject: We warned you

You brought this upon yourself.

XXX

FAO: Virginia Potts, Tony Stark  
From: Accounting  
Subject: Make him come here.

 

Miss Potts,

We are so sorry to bother you but Mr. Stark is being completely unreasonable. 

Due to the current date and it's proximity to events that must not be named to do with that of which we may never speak, we'd like to politely request you make him.

This is especially considering how his lack of cooperation last year almost lost the company several million dollars and almost got us landed with tax evasion. 

MOVE HIS ASS DOWN TO OUR FLOOR

 

Many thanks,

Accounting

XXX

FAO: Accounting  
From: Tony Stark  
Subject: That was a low blow.

 

What do I need to bring this time, hellspawn?

 

You'd think I didn't own a company and several islands with how i'm treated around here,

Stark. 

XXX

FAO: Tony Stark  
From: The Minions  
Subject: Better the devil you know

Also better we aren't down there! Good luck Supreme Overlord!

Much love,

Your Minions

XXX

FAO: The Minions  
From: Accounting  
Subject: You're next.

Better hope your paperwork is in order with no chemical spills.

Accounting

XXX

FAO: The Interns  
From: The Minions  
Subject: HELP US  
Attachments: reqform1, reqform2, reqform5, riskassess23, firesafety5, scarybthing_budget2015

HOW DO YOU PHOTOSHOP OUT VARIOUS STAINS OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE ACTUAL PAPERWORK THIS IS STARK INDUSTRIES

WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE

XXX

FAO: The Minions  
From: The Interns  
Subject: Seriously how the fuck did you manage this??

Calm down. We'll be there with....improved...coffee, chocolate and new forms in 10.

You owe us.

The Interns

XXX

FAO: The Interns  
From: The Minions  
Subject: We worship at your well dressed feet

May the pantheons of all the religions bless you all for your sweet kindness.

XXX


End file.
